Bet you didn't know there were twenty steps to a football transfer? Well, to any switch that has the word 'saga' attached, at any rate. Here they are.
Key: We have the player (the player), the 'selling club' (the player's current team) and the interested party (the club where the player will be performing pirhouettes next season for lots and lots of lovely money).
1. Tabloid talk - There's a deadline to be met and our friend from The Sun has been out all night doing all sorts of bold things with girls called Kate from Runcorn. He needs a story, any story, so he scribbles down the names of ten players and the names of ten top European/Premier League clubs, throws them into two separate beanie hats and links the first plausible pair. He hands the story into the subs who siphon out the typos and churn it all into a lovely two-column spread of page 67. Sans quotes, of course, though he may reference a source close to the club. His mother, in other words.
2. The first denial from the player - The player in question tries to inch away from Mr Telly News Reporter, but can't because to do so would be to run the microphone-holding oaf over in his Bentley. Reporter asks question, player says there's nothing in it, drives off, goes golfing.
3. More paper talk, this time quoting the interested party - The interested party's manager says that yes, they are looking to sign new players for certain positions and that yes, if our player becomes available they may look at it. But they won't be held to ransom as their current squad is good enough. But they are looking at options. But they...
4. Denial from the selling club - Step number 3 is all moot as the selling club sees our player as an integral part of their set-up for next season. The player's current manager even wants to build his side around this player, who isn't Danny Higginbotham.
5. Another denial from the player, but he's 'flattered' by the interested party's, ehm, interest - "I'm very happy where I am but when a team of the stature of West Brom* want you, well, any player would be flattered." *Barcelona.
6. Denial from the selling club, saying the player isn't for sale at any price - "The player is a big part of our plans and is not for sale at any price nudge nudge, wink wink."
7. Player criticises current manager/team-mates/fans/climate - Even though the player in question comes from the Norfolk area, he doesn't like it up North/up in Leeds/up 'im.
8. Player is publicly rebuked by his club, possibly fined, exacerbating his keenness to move - They may even fine him for good measure, even though the player in question is not, repeat, not Joey Barton. Barca would never waste their money on that good for nothing piece of...(Ed: Delete delete delete).
9. Interested party makes first, derisory offer. Selling club reiterates stance - Because they're not selling and the public is getting bored. So very bored.
10. Player hands in transfer request, depending on his eagerness to move - On the one hand, he could lose the money from the rest of his contract. On the other hand, he could be forced to play alongside Alan Smith for another season.
11. Selling club rejects request - Because they're not selling and....
12. Player makes harsher criticism of manager/team-mates/fans/climate/all of above - The knives are out now.
13. Interested party ups offer - They smell blood and like the Catalan sharks that they are (by now we're definitely talking about Barcelona, for reasons of specificity) they won't rest until they have their prey togging out in lovely blue and red and torquoise on away days. Or is it mauve?
14. Selling club turn that down, but say that every player has his price - The first decent sign that this transfer might actually go ahead. The public re-register their interest.
15. Player is suddenly happy at current club and doesn't wish to move - The public sit back down because they actually believe, the unwitting fools, that the player will not be boarding the flight to Espana after all. Really, this is just a ploy to drive up the transfer/signing on fee.
16. Interested party pulls out. Then make offer - "We will not be pursuing our interest in the player. Oh wait, we've just found a spare 20 million notes in our dry cleaning. Give us 'im."
17. Selling club accepts offer and says player can talk to interested party - The fans weep. And then wonder who they can buy as a replacement.
18. Personal terms are discussed. Player says nice things about soon to be former manager/team-mates/fans/climate - The hypocrite.
19. Medical - Medical.
20. The player signs for his new club, saying he plans to stay there for life - And our friend from The Sun tells Kate from Runcorn that he was the one who started it all. Kate doesn't care.